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Pappyisms

Sage advice from legendary zombie hunter Pappy 5X

On Zombies

"Never take a bath with a zombie."

"You might be a zombie if my tomahawk is in your skull."

"You can lead a zombie to water, but you can’t make it drown."

"Never lick sweat off a zombie."

"A good day for killing zombies always ends in the letter Y."

 

On Politics

"All zombie hunters support gun control . . . if you can’t keep your sights steady you can’t shoot the zombie."

"Necromancers are exactly like politicians with one exception that I can’t remember."

"What do you call it when you’ve just killed a zombie that used to be a politician? A very fine day."

 

On old school zombie killing

"Never take a flintlock to a horde attack in the rain."

"It’s not a musket, peckerhead, it’s a flintlock rifle."

"I love the smell of black powder mixed with putrescine in the morning."

 

On Fools

"What’s the difference between 'chum' and a 'dumb chum'?  Well, you can convince a 'chum' to ring a cowbell to attract zombies, but a 'dumb chum' believes if you shake it harder it will scare them away."

"Young fellow, zombies don’t get knock knock jokes and you clearly have no other skills, so why are you still here."

"With brains like that you’re a walking scrab donor."

"I don’t like hunting zombies with folks that soil themselves."

 

On fitness

"Who says napping is not exercise? That ruins my entire training program."

"Seven zombies attacked me while I was eating my hamburger and you think I have a cholesterol problem?"

"I play golf for exercise and I kill zombies to calm me down after the golf."

 

On Aging

"They should give a senior citizen discount on black powder."

"Never drop your bowie knife if you are taking Viagra."

"Sometimes my old friends look like zombies.  That’s why I read the obituaries first thing in the morning.  If they’re not listed I don’t shoot them."

"Of course I’m cantankerous, I’ve got an 80-year-old pecker and zombies are trying to kill me."

"Go ahead and make my day, call me Yoda one more time, punk."

 

On philosophy

"When it comes to a horde attack, prayer will never be a good substitute for a loaded shotgun."

"All good things must come to an end, but zombies just keep coming and coming."

"Of course I don’t want to go to heaven - that would mean I’m dead."

 

On toughness

"A zombie ripped out my uvula once, but I grew it back just to piss him off."

"A zombie once took a scrab from me.  I killed him with a quill pen.  It took a long time and he didn’t enjoy the process."

"Yeah it’s a lot of work cracking a zombie’s skull with a bowie knife, but I just love the sound."

 

On women

"The only way a woman is going to change me is when I start wearing depends diapers."

"A woman’s weapon may be her tongue, but I wouldn’t try it on a zombie."

"Never take a woman to a mall to kill zombies.  All you’ll end up with is a new sun dress, 3 pairs of shoes, a scented candle and not a single head shot."

 

On Children

"Kids attract zombies fairly easily, but sometimes they’re hard to tie to a tree."

"Zombie Boy, Silent Blade and Headshot are getting so big I’m having trouble shooting zombies standing behind them."

"I hate shooting zombie children . . . I prefer clubbing them with my rifle butt."